Ever happened that someone very close to you( a family member or your partner in a relationship) is extremely angry, throwing their emotions at you or cursing the situation and you are absolutely clueless on how to react, what to say or how to make them feel a little calm?
You genuinely want to help them but fail to do so as you don’t know the right words to utter from your mouth.
You might enter into a state of panic yourself, not knowing what to say, leaving you befuddled and clueless. Do not worry here we are with certain tested tricks that might help in such a situation where things go out of control.
Never say “Calm Down”
Stating the very obvious in such a situation will do nothing but make the other person more furious and push them away from the calm. Also, most humans have this tendency to do the exact opposite of the stated (which is not healthy).
The furious person might also have the reason “if it was that easy don’t you think I would have been calm by now”. Validating their emotion is extremely important at such a point.
Validation of Emotional
For the person who is extremely high on emotion, be it anger, sorrow, or remorse, the first step has to be the validation of their emotion. Making them feel that what they are feeling is obvious to feel in such a situation where they stand.
Also if they are feeling things like “I have had a rough childhood, maybe nobody went through such things”, they are looking for the same comfort, that yes, you have gone through a lot, yet you came out of it, shows how strong you are built. In such a situation avoid neutralizing their emotion.
Avoid Neutralising their emotions
If someone has gone through an extreme experience, neutralizing their emotion will not help them. What does neutralizing an emotion mean? When you are trying to validate an emotion unknowingly you might say stuff like “it’s okay, people go through such stuff and they do get better, don’t worry you will be fine”.
Avoiding Neutralising the emotions while balancing the validation can be tough at times but all you need to do is, choose your words wisely, listen more than you speak, and stay wise enough to understand cues.
Do not Compare Them with yourself
When someone is angry or upset, one wrong step that most of us end up doing unwillingly is, comparing our issues or traumas to theirs in the most subtle ways. For example, if your partner is telling you “My boss is such an angry monster, I think I got the worst of all”, and you revert with “ it is not just yours, even I face the same problem”. This is not the right way to revert when someone is high on emotion.
In a very subtle unwilling way, you are invalidating what they feel. When someone is talking about their trauma, make sure you are nothing more than a good listener for them. Stop showcasing yourself as the one who is going through a rough time when someone else is telling them about your issues.
Let them arrive at a solution
In highly frustrating situations, most of us say that we are looking for solutions but the truth is, a part of us always knows what is the next step, the fear of going through it makes us frustrated. So if your partner is venting out, do not start mentioning ways for them to get out of the situation, they are not looking for solutions.
Let them get to a mental state where they can think peacefully and take mindful decisions. And if until then they need space, offer them space.
Understand if they want space or intrusion
Different people have different wants when it comes to handling their emotions. A lot of people believe that they need time to calm themselves down and then they are ready for a conversation, on the other hand, few of us might feel that our partner should stay right here when I throw out my emotions, even though I push him/her, I would feel nice if he/she still makes their way with me.
So, you need to understand in which category your partner or your loves ones fall and help them accordingly.
Conclusion
Being a listener over a speaker is very important when it comes to handling a person who s not calm. Make sure you don’t lose your temper or patience. Try to understand them, put your foot in their shoes and see where they stand, and see why they are behaving in such a way.
Even if you fail to relate, just understand and accept their emotion, and apply the following tips mentioned above. Most importantly, Be yourself, Love yourself!
