Discovering Your Attachment Style and Breaking Childhood Patterns
When we consider our traumatic experiences as children, we can be tempted to rationalise them by telling ourselves, “But, that was so long ago. What is it related to the present? or “If that happened years ago, why aren’t you over it?” Even worse, many of us might hear similar comments from others.
This is probably a result of the erroneous belief that if something happened in the past, it doesn’t matter how we feel today, and if it does, it’s either because of serious violence or being overly sensitive. That is not the situation.
Research has repeatedly demonstrated how our early years affect us in ways that last well into adulthood. It can have an impact on your relationships, job, self-esteem, physical and emotional well-being, and self-worth. Many of the lessons we pick up as children, often unconsciously influence our routines as adults.
Attachment types are one area where childhood certainly has an impact on adult behaviours. How can you learn more about your attachment style, comprehend how it affects the connections you currently have, and look for more stable relationship patterns?
These are the identified attachment styles and how they might manifest for each.
Anxious/Preoccupied
A person with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style worries more than is common about being abandoned or left alone. As a result, they could look for affirmation, come across as emotionally “hyper,” fawn over people they like or want to like them for, and struggle to set boundaries and make their demands known.
Fearful/Avoidant
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is characterised by a desire for relationships but a tendency to withdraw from or reject emotional intimacy out of fear of being harmed. However, the basis of this is the same dread of being left or abandoned felt by someone with an anxious attachment style. People may misinterpret them for being purposefully “hot and cold.”
Dismissive
This attachment style may cause a person to have an excessive, unhealthy craving for complete independence. They’ve learnt that they can’t depend on people, which makes it harder for them than most to create intimacy. As a result, they may ignore or hide their feelings for someone, which is frequently the result of not having their needs addressed. Codependency, which can be present in people with anxious-preoccupied attachment, is unhealthy, but so is the idea that you can always handle things on your own. It’s interdependence that we want.
Secure
A person with this attachment type believes it is safe to assume that someone likes them if they express an interest in them. Interdependence can be established between them. As opposed to someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, they are less likely to have patterns of unstable, intense, or extreme partnerships. They can emotionally connect with others, cultivate emotional closeness, maintain healthy relationships, communicate their feelings, create boundaries, and articulate their needs, among other things.
Breaking Patterns from a Troubled Childhood
1. Introspect and Remain Aware of Recurring Attachment Styles in your Life
It’s a two-way street; both you and the partners you choose must be self-aware. Consider your behaviour patterns and decide whether there are any aspects of your relationships that you would like to alter, such as rushing away as a connection begins to develop, anticipating people’s departure, claiming that they will leave without any proof, etc.
It’s also important to realise that attachment manifests itself in ways that have nothing to do with romantic relationships. Work, relationships, setting boundaries, self-esteem, and practically every other element of your life can all be impacted by your attachment style.
2. Run Away from Self-Sabotage
Your internal conversation is important while trying to break a pattern. Making a plan for how to deal with thoughts that can come as a result of your attachment style might be beneficial once you are aware of it and how it manifests in your life.
Say to yourself, “I want people who want me,” while you face your fear. I would therefore prefer not to be with them if they decided to depart. Give anything a chance, though, if it makes you feel secure. We refer to this as thinking reframing. After discovering their attachment type, some people decide to put off dating and relationships until they can distinguish between their true emotions, sort out real danger from perceived danger, and apply this method.
3. Seek Secure and Stable Relationships
Dating a stable person is one of the most frequent pieces of advice given to those with insecure attachment styles. How do you tell if the person you’re dating has a strong connection? You can search for the following qualities in a partner:
Consistency: The relationship shouldn’t develop quickly and intensely too soon.
Sincere and healthy affection: Look for someone who respects you and makes an effort to get to know you. They shouldn’t ignore you or withhold their affection.
These characteristics suggest that a person is either fairly likely to be securely linked or, at the very least, sufficiently aware to establish a solid tie.
4. Take Things Slowly
Many people also find that moving slowly is beneficial. You allow yourself the time and space necessary to both self-soothe and assimilate the potential security of a relationship in this manner. You can typically take it day by day and remind yourself that you can’t necessarily control or foresee what will happen, no matter where attachment manifests itself in your life, whether in relationships or other contexts.
You’ll discover that safety and stability do exist over time. No one has a life where every relationship works out; this does not imply that every relationship will succeed. But you’ll be confident enough to know everything will be alright.
Conclusion
You are not your attachment style. For instance, you could not be clinging if you have an anxious attachment type. If it weren’t for the worry of being abandoned or offending someone else, you would demand your needs and boundaries. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you can wind up feeling unhappy, lonely, or guilty after breaking up relationships you wanted or hurting someone using the “push and pull” dynamic.
Research indicates that there is a connection between our attachment types as children and adults and that we can attempt to develop more secure attachments.
